The small difference: You want him too (Deep Dive)
Everything written about opening a marriage prepares you for jealousy. Nobody prepares you for the other one. And in gay cuckolding, the other one is doing most of the work.
Seven months in. Over a hundred posts. When I started this I was quietly worried I'd run out of material somewhere around month three.
I haven't come close. Cuckolding keeps opening compartments I didn't know were there, and yesterday it opened another one. On a beach, of all places, where a fair amount of the material for this site has come from.
My husband told me afterwards that he'd wanted to fuck one of the men there. Someone else got to him first.
That should have done something to me. It's the exact input this whole dynamic runs on. He wanted a man, he didn't get him, and he's telling me about it afterwards — that's the shape of a many posts on this site.
Nothing. A flat, mild, almost administrative nothing.
And I knew why immediately, which is the part that interested me. That same man had hit on me earlier in the afternoon. He wasn't my type. I'd turned him down without thinking about it.
So: available to me, wanted by my husband, and my brain did not so much as flicker.
Now run the other version. Other days, other men on that beach — men with mouthwatering cocks, men I'd have gone with in a second. My husband looks at one of them and the fireworks start immediately. He's having what I can't have.
Same structure. Same husband, same beach, same wanting. One variable changed.
Me.
The word you were given is the wrong one
Everything written for people opening a marriage prepares you for jealousy. Breathe through the jealousy. Communicate around the jealousy. Jealousy is normal, here are your scripts.
Parrott and Smith took the two emotions apart empirically in 1993 and found them genuinely different. Envy came out as inferiority, longing, resentment, and a distinct shame about feeling it at all. Jealousy came out as fear of loss, distrust, anxiety, anger.
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